Celebrities

Who’s Moving to the Suburbs? Alicia Keys, That’s Who’s Moving to the Suburbs!

November 15, 2012 by Joseph Rand

Okay, as you all know, we have a recurring feature here at the Move to Suma breathlessly covering any news about celebrities making the move to suburban idyll.

And we’re doing pretty good. Here’s our tally so far:

Tom Cruise
Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively
Usher
Jay-Z and Beyonce
Jonah Hill
Any Winehouse (before, umm, she died, but that was TOTALLY unrelated)

So we’re clearly not along in our decision to get out of the big city and move to the land of big lawns and rooms that we never actually use.

Now, we’re proud to add someone new to the list: Alicia Keys! From Curbed:

Grammy-collecting R&B singer-songwriter Alicia Keys and her producer husband Swizz Beatz have apparently had enough of the concrete jungle where dreams are made, having just dropped about $12M on the opulent (if flinchingly over-designed) New Jersey estate of comedian Eddie Murphy. Bubble Hill, in Englewood, N.J., is a seven-bedroom estate with all the benefits of being rich and in the ‘burbs; the 25,000-square-foot manse boasts a recording studio, two-lane bowling alley, indoor pool, billiards room, spa, and tennis court. Murphy had been trying to sell his 30-room mansion for nearly eight years before a mystery buyer (mystery until now, that is) made an offer in May. Keys, who was born and raised in NYC, seems to be rather fond of star-studded real estate, having picked up Lenny Kravitz’s SoHo duplex penthouse more than two years ago. (She recently listed it for $17.95M.)

Most importantly, catch that last part: she’s putting her Soho duplex on the market after only two years. In other words, leaving Soho for Englewood! To paraphrase a popular song:

Let’s hear it for Su-Burbs!

Pick-et fences where dreams are made of.

There’s nothing you can’t do!

Alicia Keys — Welcome to the suburbs!

Filed Under: Humor, News, Who's Moving to the Suburbs? Tagged With: Alicia Keys, Celebrities

Reasons Why You’ll Hate Living in the Suburbs: You Don’t Get to See Celebrities Out in the Wild

October 12, 2012 by Joseph Rand

You know what you’re going to lose when you move to the suburbs? Celebrities. You’re going to miss that moment when you’re on line at your local Starbucks and realize that — HEY, the guy trying to order a coffee while corralling a couple of kids is John McEnroe! Hi John! You’re getting a cinnamon latte? Really? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! HAR! See what I did there?

If you live in Manhattan, you can’t help but run into celebrities. The city is lousy with them. Unlike LA, where celebrities live in upscale enclaves, Manhattan is incredibly dense and integrated, so even if you live in a 500 square foot studio walkup, you can still live on the same block with some zillionaire movie star. You don’t have to be a star-effer to feel a certain validation – “I might be a total loser, but I live right next door to Howard Stern. I must be doing SOMETHING right.”

Now, I’m not talking about when you’re at some hot club and see Chris Brown and Drake throwing glasses at each other or Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg. Or when press up against the rope line at some move premiere like star-struck out-of-towner at Rock Center waving a sign at Matt Lauer so your cousin from Des Moine can DVR you. No, it doesn’t count when you actually TRY to go see a celebrity, or when you run into them in their natural habitat.

Rather, the fun celebrity sightings are when you see them out in the wild, doing the same everyday crap that you have to do. For example, I once saw Jerry Seinfeld walking down 83^rd street toward Broadway. That wasn’t particularly unusual, since he lived in the neighborhood (as did the “Jerry” of the Seinfeld show – COINCIDENCE?). What was interesting was that he was carrying a Banana Republic bag, and there’s a Banana Republic store on 86^th and Broadway. But he wasn’t coming back from the store, he was going TO the store.

In other words, JERRY SEINFELD WAS SCHLEPPING OVER TO BANANA REPUBLIC TO RETURN A SWEATER. I love that. I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you think that Jerry Seinfeld, when he gets a sweater that doesn’t fit, would just toss it in the garbage? It’s like the old joke about whether it makes sense for Bill Gates to take the time to stop and bend down to pick up a hundred dollar bill. You would think that it wouldn’t be worth 45 minutes of his life to save a few buck, but there he was hoofing it over to beg for his money back.. Good for him!

That’s one of the great things about living in the city. I used to live next door to Bobby Cannavale, who would sit out on his stoop chatting with the neighbors and couldn’t have been a nicer guy. On the day after 9/11, I shared some hard-to-find copies of the NY Post with Billy Baldwin. I once asked Barbra Streisand to move down a seat at the movie theater so I could sit next to my date (Streisand was NOT happy). I hit on Jane Krakowski, back before she got Ally McBeal and got even further out of my league. All very cool.

So I sort of miss that stuff now that I’m in the suburbs. Not to say that we don’t have our celebrities. After all, I’ve made it my mission to catalogue the various celebrities who are rumored to joining me in suburban idyll, like Tom Cruise and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Jay Z. And just in my village of Nyack, we proudly count Rosie O’Donnell, Jonathan Demme, and Stephen Baldwin, who has been working very hard to keep my village free from porn. I’ve actually run into Bill Irwin on the streets and William Hurt on a golf course, where he thought I’d stolen his friend’s golf bag (I admit NOTHING!).

But it’s not the same. Really, it’s just because you don’t run into people as easily in the suburbs – whether those people are celebrities or commoners. You’re in your car all day, you park in a lot, you come in and out of stores. You don’t really wlak the streets. And on top of that, you don’t go out as much at night. After all, I’m very unlikely to run into a celebrity when sitting on the couch in my family room, which is where I spend most of my time now.

So that’s one of the things that you’re going to hate about living in the suburbs. Unless, of course, you’re a celebrity, where you can relax in your suburban anonymity behind the blacked-out windows of your SUV and return a stupid sweater without some jackass writing all about it…..

Filed Under: Humor, Living in Manhattan, Living in the Suburbs, Reasons You'll Hate Living in the Suburbs Tagged With: Banana Republic, Celebrities, Jerry Seinfeld

Who’s Moving to the Suburbs? Jay Z and Beyonce, That’s Who!

January 15, 2012 by Joseph Rand

Lots of cool people have moved to the suburbs, not just (ahem) me. We had Amy Winehouse a few years ago, back when she was alive. Then we got reports that more immigrants and African-Americans were moving into the suburbs. Then big-fat-and-now-thin-and-now-sorta-fat-again Jonah Hill.

You see? It’s not just me, lots of people are fleeing the cities for the joys of picket fences and sports bars and no food delivery.

But now we have our biggest get yet:

MediaTakeOut.com got a SUPER WORLD EXCLUSIVE . . . Beyonce and Jay Z have CHANGED their primary residence . .. from NYC – to SCARSDALE, a suburb OUTSIDE of NYC.

We spoke to a person with FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE who tell us that Jigga and Bey have been working FOR MONTHS, to finish a COMPLETE RENOVATION on a MEGA MANSION that the couple bought nearly 3 years ago.

According to our insider, the new mansion underwent a $2M RENO. The new house has a STATE OF THE ART security system and a tennis court and a full basketball court. They also made a separate GUEST HOUSE where Bey’s mom will use, when she comes to town.

So what about their $10M 8,000 Sq ft. Tribeca apartment? We’re told they’ll use it when their “in the city.”

Must be nice . . .

How about that, people? Not so bad — maybe the biggest celebrity couple in the world, and they’re moving to SUMA.

Welcome to the suburbs, guys, love that music stuff that you do.

Filed Under: News, Who's Moving to the Suburbs? Tagged With: Beyonce, Celebrities, Jay Z, Scarsdale

Best Celebrity Sightings

May 8, 2009 by Joseph Rand

You know what’s really cool about New Yorkers. In the past five years or so, I’ve probably seen 15 or 20 celebrities in my neighborhood, and not once have I seen someone pester them or ask them for their autograph. New Yorkers know what it’s like to be annoyed by people, so I think they don’t generally inflict themselves on celebrities. At least not that I’ve seen.

Lots of celebrities in my nabe on the UWS. I see Jerry Seinfeld, Howard Stern, John McEnroe, Willie the tall guy from Morning Joe, used to see Bobby Canavale when he lived next door, same with one of the Baldwins before he made the move to Suma.

Two good celebrity stories. First, long time ago, before I met my wife, on a first date, going to the arty Lincoln Plaza theaters over on Broadway in the lower sixties. Going to see some Chinese language movie. But got to the theater late and it was crowded. No seats together. So we see that there’s two seats in one row, but on opposite sides of the row. The movie’s about to start, so we don’t bother people to shift over, we just each take a seat apart, but in the same row. But people in the row see what’s happening, and a powerful surge of romanticism takes over — “let’s help the young guy out on his date” — and they all get up and shift over so we can sit together. Only one person protests, fighting it until she gives up, exasperated. Barbra Streisand.

Second, a few years ago, I was walking on 83rd street, going east from Amsterdam toward the Park. Walking towards me is Jerry Seinfeld, who I used to see all the time. He’s carrying a “Banana Republic” bag as he walks west from Columbus. Not a big deal, but here’s why I like this story. He lived on Central Park West, so he’s walking away from home. There’s a Banana Republic at 86th and Broadway, which was probably where he was going. So why was he carrying a bag? Probably because he was returning something that someone got him at Banana Republic. And that’s why I love this story. It’s nice to know a guy like Seinfeld, who is worth a gajillion dollars, still takes the time to schlep back to the store to return a sweater that’s a little too big for him.